So yeah, I do not know if I am ready to answer my questions already, but I will try. Regarding my first question (out of ten questions), I think the answer for this one is gonna be the longest one, most long-winded one as well.
So, the question was: What do I feel when I do something?
To be honest, This question is quite a dumb one. I don't even know what I was asking. Hmmm... I am quite an emotional girl. Although I have tried to control myself, to really think rationally before I do something, most of the time I failed. So, there comes this question: What do I FEEL?
I think this question is quite like a self-reflection. I did not like self-reflection, for my life, in fact, I have never thought of doing one reflection until I was really stuck in negativity few weeks ago and my friend hence, suggested it. It involves too much killing of my brain cells, anyway, still trying.
There's a quote about wisdom, saying:
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third, by experience, which is bitterest.
Which is true, bitter, very bitter. Yes, what do I feel now? Bitter. I've been letting emotional taking control of me, hence the experience, hence the bitterness. But don't get me wrong, I am not blaming for my life now. It is alright, I just have to learn from it. This is life.
So what makes me feel OKay afterward? I would be lying if I tell you my friends were the main key. Right, they are important in my life and they gave good advice, and always been good companions through my ups and downs, and yeah also scolded me for good. But, I am quite a stubborn one, I do not listen most of the time. I know my friends would always be with me if I need them (in fact I do), but too much of dependence on them has made me going wrong way, because I have started to feel so insecure, sad and uneasy when they did not reply my message immediately, literally immediately. Two minutes of waiting for their reply was too long, like seriously, literally. Yeah, that's when I know I need to go.
Where to? Out of my comfort zone? No, it only makes things worse. I am not ready for more insecurity when right now I can't handle my already-existing insecurity. Anyway, I just did what I used to enjoy: Travelling. But this time, I did a little change for my travelling. I used to text my friends back home and shared with them for what I have seen or done. This time, no. I make new friends, I approached people. It sounds like I am very desperate for companion, yes, true, but also a no, because I also avoided doing it too much, not for other people's sake, but for my own sake. It is gonna be still the same me stuck in my previous insecurity with friendship or any partnership if I make myself to be with a companion (although different people) all the time. I am clear about this, so yea, I make time for myself.
I chilled, for the very first time after so many years. Like, I did nothing. I used to sit or lie down and did what people call "rest", but every time, my mind was so occupied with all the thoughts, future, money, work, learning progress, friends, partners, family, sports, car, house, time to shower, what to eat for dinner, all those things! This time, no. I felt so relieved. There was nothing in my mind. Just, WOW. I do not know how I did this. But it was really a WOW moment.
I just sat down, put my legs in the swimming pool, stared at the randomly painted wall, and thought nothing. It was like all these troubles that have been torturing and burdening me turned into bubbles and went into nothing. They do not have to be solved anymore, I can just leave them there decorating my life, I do not have to worry for them anymore, be they there or not. Like seriously I do not know how to describe it exactly, I just feel so peaceful.
And I am feeling so refreshed right now and ready for work tomorrow and any coming adventures.
*specially thanks to my friends who have been with me, listen to me and help me with what they could all the time.*
So, the question was: What do I feel when I do something?
To be honest, This question is quite a dumb one. I don't even know what I was asking. Hmmm... I am quite an emotional girl. Although I have tried to control myself, to really think rationally before I do something, most of the time I failed. So, there comes this question: What do I FEEL?
I think this question is quite like a self-reflection. I did not like self-reflection, for my life, in fact, I have never thought of doing one reflection until I was really stuck in negativity few weeks ago and my friend hence, suggested it. It involves too much killing of my brain cells, anyway, still trying.
There's a quote about wisdom, saying:
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third, by experience, which is bitterest.
Which is true, bitter, very bitter. Yes, what do I feel now? Bitter. I've been letting emotional taking control of me, hence the experience, hence the bitterness. But don't get me wrong, I am not blaming for my life now. It is alright, I just have to learn from it. This is life.
So what makes me feel OKay afterward? I would be lying if I tell you my friends were the main key. Right, they are important in my life and they gave good advice, and always been good companions through my ups and downs, and yeah also scolded me for good. But, I am quite a stubborn one, I do not listen most of the time. I know my friends would always be with me if I need them (in fact I do), but too much of dependence on them has made me going wrong way, because I have started to feel so insecure, sad and uneasy when they did not reply my message immediately, literally immediately. Two minutes of waiting for their reply was too long, like seriously, literally. Yeah, that's when I know I need to go.
Where to? Out of my comfort zone? No, it only makes things worse. I am not ready for more insecurity when right now I can't handle my already-existing insecurity. Anyway, I just did what I used to enjoy: Travelling. But this time, I did a little change for my travelling. I used to text my friends back home and shared with them for what I have seen or done. This time, no. I make new friends, I approached people. It sounds like I am very desperate for companion, yes, true, but also a no, because I also avoided doing it too much, not for other people's sake, but for my own sake. It is gonna be still the same me stuck in my previous insecurity with friendship or any partnership if I make myself to be with a companion (although different people) all the time. I am clear about this, so yea, I make time for myself.
I chilled, for the very first time after so many years. Like, I did nothing. I used to sit or lie down and did what people call "rest", but every time, my mind was so occupied with all the thoughts, future, money, work, learning progress, friends, partners, family, sports, car, house, time to shower, what to eat for dinner, all those things! This time, no. I felt so relieved. There was nothing in my mind. Just, WOW. I do not know how I did this. But it was really a WOW moment.
I just sat down, put my legs in the swimming pool, stared at the randomly painted wall, and thought nothing. It was like all these troubles that have been torturing and burdening me turned into bubbles and went into nothing. They do not have to be solved anymore, I can just leave them there decorating my life, I do not have to worry for them anymore, be they there or not. Like seriously I do not know how to describe it exactly, I just feel so peaceful.
And I am feeling so refreshed right now and ready for work tomorrow and any coming adventures.
*specially thanks to my friends who have been with me, listen to me and help me with what they could all the time.*
