Lost in the journey

Life always turns to be tiring when we grow older. Sometimes, I even couldn't realize that I have changed a lot in the process of life.

I have turned to be coward, because I am afraid if I am betrayed again.

I have turned to be over-protecting, because I do not want to be injured anymore.

I have turned to be selfish, because I thought that nobody would be selfless toward me.

I have turned to be unmerciful, because I didn't get any reward after I have given so much more.

Then, my days are torturing me until I can't even bear the stresses.

I do not like to cry, so I do not ever let any drop of tear rolling down.

I do not like to tell, so I keep all secrets deep in my heart.

Days by days, I feel like I less understand myself.

Am I a trustworthy girl? Am I a sincere girl? I do not know...

Am I a materialistic girl? Am I selfish? I do not know...

I always worry if I will become a bad girl. 

I am anxious that if I go back to my previous life without Jesus.

I am scared, I do not want to be the girl that I was before this.

She was childish, she was hot-tempered, she was ridiculous...

I just do not want to be like that.

I have a lot of questions, about my life, about the people surrounding me...

I am in doubt... I have lost myself.