What do I feel?

So yeah, I do not know if I am ready to answer my questions already, but I will try. Regarding my first question (out of ten questions), I think the answer for this one is gonna be the longest one, most long-winded one as well.

So, the question was: What do I feel when I do something?

To be honest, This question is quite a dumb one. I don't even know what I was asking. Hmmm... I am quite an emotional girl. Although I have tried to control myself, to really think rationally before I do something, most of the time I failed. So, there comes this question: What do I FEEL?

I think this question is quite like a self-reflection. I did not like self-reflection, for my life, in fact, I have never thought of doing one reflection until I was really stuck in negativity few weeks ago and my friend hence, suggested it. It involves too much killing of my brain cells, anyway, still trying.

There's a quote about wisdom, saying:
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third, by experience, which is bitterest. 

Which is true, bitter, very bitter. Yes, what do I feel now? Bitter. I've been letting emotional taking control of me, hence the experience, hence the bitterness. But don't get me wrong, I am not blaming for my life now. It is alright, I just have to learn from it. This is life.

So what makes me feel OKay afterward? I would be lying if I tell you my friends were the main key. Right, they are important in my life and they gave good advice, and always been good companions through my ups and downs, and yeah also scolded me for good. But, I am quite a stubborn one, I do not listen most of the time. I know my friends would always be with me if I need them (in fact I do),  but too much of dependence on them has made me going wrong way, because I have started to feel so insecure, sad and uneasy when they did not reply my message immediately, literally immediately. Two minutes of waiting for their reply was too long, like seriously, literally. Yeah, that's when I know I need to go.

Where to? Out of my comfort zone? No, it only makes things worse. I am not ready for more insecurity when right now I can't handle my already-existing insecurity. Anyway, I just did what I used to enjoy: Travelling. But this time, I did a little change for my travelling. I used to text my friends back home and shared with them for what I have seen or done. This time, no. I make new friends, I approached people. It sounds like I am very desperate for companion, yes, true, but also a no, because I also avoided doing it too much, not for other people's sake, but for my own sake. It is gonna be still the same me stuck in my previous insecurity with friendship or any partnership if I make myself to be with a companion (although different people) all the time. I am clear about this, so yea, I make time for myself.

I chilled, for the very first time after so many years. Like, I did nothing. I used to sit or lie down and did what people call "rest", but every time, my mind was so occupied with all the thoughts, future, money, work, learning progress, friends, partners, family, sports, car, house, time to shower, what to eat for dinner, all those things! This time, no. I felt so relieved. There was nothing in my mind. Just, WOW. I do not know how I did this. But it was really a WOW moment.

I just sat down, put my legs in the swimming pool, stared at the randomly painted wall, and thought nothing. It was like all these troubles that have been torturing and burdening me turned into bubbles and went into nothing. They do not have to be solved anymore, I can just leave them there decorating my life, I do not have to worry for them anymore, be they there or not. Like seriously I do not know how to describe it exactly, I just feel so peaceful.

And I am feeling so refreshed right now and ready for work tomorrow and any coming adventures.


*specially thanks to my friends who have been with me, listen to me and help me with what they could all the time.*

Lost and to be found

I am writing at the airport now, probably due to the long waiting time for my next flight. I don't know, I am feeling so lost these days, the stresses in life, the unexpected things happened and the expected things that doesn't happen in my life have been torturing me since long. Totally down and couldn't find a way out.


Anyway, I guess the coming few days or weeks would serve as a turnover? I am not sure. Please at least let me have myself found through wandering.


So, I have been thinking, what do I really want to find for myself. As in, "myself" is an object that once I reach this new destination, I must have found it? Nope, certainly not. I am not a dreamy type (well, I was), but I know I could at least make some steps to understand myself more, to be myself more, to know what I want more, to know what would make me feeling happy or miserable.


This will take time, of course.
I am not that patient, but I must bear with the waiting.
I am not that brave, but I know I must pick up the courage to make the first step.
I am not that independent, but I know I must try to find the happiness on my own instead of keep leaning on my friends, telling them "Hey, I am down, please be with me."


No no no, this is not what I want.


So, these are the things that I wanna do or find out (at least try to do) in these few days, I am writing here not to just express my confused feeling. In fact, I want this to be a reminder for myself, for short and for long.


These are the questions that I am gonna answer myself, soon.
1. What do I feel when I do something? (something as in whatever activity that I do in these coming days or weeks.)
2. How to make myself calm down?
3. What do I really not like, to an extent if I do it I will hate myself?
4. How can I trust people?
5. What activity or anything makes me feel happy or at least not empty?


These are the to-do.
1. To rest well, not forcing myself to do anything that I do not like to do.
2. To live in the current, not past, not future.
3. To reach out to people, to ask them what makes them so certain of their life goal.
4. To be selfish and not compromising sometimes and not afraid to show it, and not hiding it.
5. To take good care of myself.


Good luck.
*If you have any answer to my lost questions, please tell me? Help me a little bit?*

Be grateful to what we've got - Government hospital

One more week and it will be done! One year of PRP life, it has been sour, mixed with sweet. Nevertheless, it was the year that I learned most ever! Yes, I was forced to learn fast, but, no regret, it worths. It is true that I have sacrificed a lot of playing, relaxing and travelling moments, and was even studying during Christmas time and Chinese New Year (although I have already submitted my logbooks by then), but everything would be worth, I truly believe.

So, let’s go back to one year ago, when I just entered this, the busiest and oldest hospital in Johor, Hospital Sultanah Aminah. Everything was so new to me, including the environment and the people. That was the first time I entered a government hospital, some more it is an old one, which means, kind of creepy especially when you are walking at a dark alleys.

From someone who always complained about the government service, which we all know it is slow and sometimes kind of irresponsible, to now I am really grateful that my government does provide free healthcare service to the citizens, some do have to pay, at least it is not expensive. 

PRP's inner side nagging

Unbelievable! I actually have already survived 10 months of the hectic life without thinking to quit. I wonder what has made me become so determined. Yeah, I guess it would be “my stubbornness”.

For you who do not know me yet, yes I am a pharmacist. I thought I have chosen a wrong degree to study, I thought I would be a zombie who just memorizes each and every drug name, I thought I would give up this career in few months’ time. But, I have made it, and I am still in love of this professionalism.

歡喜得到 —— 這大姐

和朋友在學的地理奔走的其中一個最享受的事，就是看他跌倒。
不去攙扶他起身，卻在旁邊笑得比他跌倒那一瞬間的 “啊~~~” 還大聲！

笑得整個身子在顫抖的同時，還要盡量保持鎮定拿好的單眼。
咔嚓！

所幸拍下的照片不會太模糊。

後記：不是我不要去幫你一把，我也害怕狂笑的自己走過去時會滑倒。

攝于：Iceland, Geyser 冰島大噴泉 @ 24/12/2015 平安夜

也許這一別后，我們這一輩子就不會再遇見了。

教會近期來，來了幾位來自國外的牧師。每一趟，牧師會來兩個月，然後離開，然後到下一個國家或者回國牧養教會。昨天剛好趕上了這牧師和師母在我鄉教會的最後一次講道。崇拜結束后大家就爭著和牧師師母拍張照，很是熱鬧。回家前，我讓小侄女去和師母道個別，畢竟這師母實在慈愛，對我家小侄女很是友好。小侄女很是扭捏，然後我也不知怎麽地，突然冒出了一句話：“你不去好好道別，也許牧師師母回美國后，我們這一輩子就不會再遇見他們了哦。”

本來衹是一句説服小孩子的話，但是説出來后，卻感覺這句話也許是我的潛意識要對我自己説的。對呀，也許這一別后，我們這一輩子就不會再遇見了。是呀，當初在國外求學時認識的朋友，有多少個我們還會再見面？曾經在旅途中遇到的不同國籍的朋友，儘管一起吃早餐吃得那麽愉快，儘管聊了一整個晚上還那麽有勁，儘管一起喝酒看電影后還一起瘋狂，但是有多少個我們依然保持聯絡？

也許就是這一個“這一別就也許再無緣相遇”的理念，所以每一次的離別都是那麽落寞以及不舍。我看，這也許就是旅行的唯一一個短處吧？與其説短處，不如説是遺憾。遺憾我們衹是彼此的過客，遺憾我們能在一起製造回憶的時光如此短暫，更遺憾的是，旅途結束后，我們必須無奈地回到自己生活崗位，讓這忙碌的生活吞噬了我們當初遇到彼此的熱情與 “下次我到你國家去看你” 的那份客套話。

是的，這世界是多麽地大。飛泰國那麽靠近的國家就兩個小時，臺灣五個小時，韓國六個小時，澳洲八個小時，英國十三個小時，美國甚至要二十四個小時。不衹是距離上的問題，試問問，要撥個空出國去旅行都還要考慮到是否有空，是否有假。就算去到了，你有你的行程要走，那個朋友也需要工作，當時初遇的那個輕輕鬆鬆的感覺也許無法再找回來。

無論如何，真的真的很感謝上天，讓我在旅途中遇見了這一位他。我不知道爲什麽我們會那麽投緣。我們説著不同的語言，竟然也可以說個沒完沒了。我有嘗試說他的語言，但是這種會引起轟動的事（爆笑的轟動！），還是別時常做才是。我們第一次相是在保加利亞。第二次相見是我去他的國家游玩，他特地撥空帶我一日游。第三次相見，是他來我的國家出差時特約我吃一餐。我想，遇到這麽一個那麽惜緣的朋友，我未免也太幸運了吧？

這故事的起源是在西方，而藉由我們倆的惜緣舉動，所以在東方繼續著。三十年之後，如果我倆還保持聯絡，我們一定要慶祝一番，實實在在地慶祝一番，make it GRAND!

世界，真的是如此大，卻又是如此小呀！

洞裏看天

攝于：Thailand 泰國，Khao Luang Cave

我相信，大家小時候，一定聽過一個故事。

【不如放棄】 和 【華文考試】，原來可以組成一塊兒？

前幾天，馬來西亞中學高中考試文憑(SPM)成績放榜了。先是印裔同事向我訴說她很是為他外甥女緊張，心情七上八下，還沒到放榜時間她就已經打了不少通電話去關心外甥女。午餐時間后，閒了下來就上了面子書看看，就看見好多朋友分享了一些勸說不要太在意SPM成績的帖子。是的，我同意全優真的不代表什麼，雖然說SPM是中學的一個句號，但是它畢竟只是踏入社會或者步入專業學習的一個開始罷了。但是，對於那些考獲全優的學生們，我依然默默恭賀他們，並且希望在未來里這全優的成績千千萬萬不要導致他們太過自負。

廣多帖子的分享當中，只有兩個真真正正地引起了我的注意。第一個，好像是一個中學華文教師分享的。成績發佈后，這老師的學生們把自己的成績告訴了老師：全部科目都上優，只有中文這科，拿了下優。老師以為學生後悔當初選擇考中文，不然成績單上將會是全上優，那將會是多麼漂亮。就當老師如此詢問學生時，學生很感恩地回答，不是的，他來，並不是他不滿意自己的成績。對於自己的成績，他是滿足的。他當時在意的，只是老師是否失望。當然，這下老師感到很欣慰，不但欣慰有個如此在乎自己的學生，也欣慰這學子當初勇於考那總所皆知難以獲優的中文的決心，更為他的成績引以為榮。

第二個，是我學院時期認識的一位朋友撥空寫的一篇關於SPM是否決定考中文科的文章。他說他尊重那些擔心中文拿B會讓其他的A變得不完美而選擇放棄考中文的學生。他也體諒那些從小不諳中文外黃內白的華人。但是他始終認為，將來如果真的有孩子了，讓孩子自少會寫自己的中文姓名、會說我們祖先的語言是個必要。這兩個帖子，深得我意。

中文，在馬來西亞我們叫它為華文。從幼稚園開始，我就接觸了正統華文教育。老師以華語和我們溝通。小學時期，每一天都有至少兩節華文課，有些天就三節。國民型小學的華文老師特為嚴格，聽寫錯一個打一鞭。不只是字的形體要正確，連部首的上下左右位置都不可馬虎，就比如說“曉”這個字，就讓我挨了不少鞭，不是把“日”寫得太上，就是把它寫得太下。

過後，進入了中學。雖然說不是國民型中學，但是全部在此就讀的華人學生都會說華語寫華文，而且當時最興奮的就是上華文課。當然，當時並不是對華文大有興趣，只是因為只要上華文節，就可以和別班的同學合班。就這樣，放牛般地讀到了中五，就要考SPM了。當時美燕老師只是帶過地問說：“大家都沒有想過不考華文吧？”全班沒人回答。也對，我想，我們當時真的不明白老師在說什麼，至少我是沒聽懂。直到上了大學，遇到了一些SPM沒考華文的同學，我才真真正正地明白過來。

“哦！！！原來我們是可以選擇不考華文的！”

原來原來原來，原來我們大可不必考華文。

但是，

怎麼我都不知道呢？

我沒有去探聽，是的，我承認是我孤陋寡聞。

但是怎麼沒去探聽呢？就呆呆地沒想過啊！

從小就說華語，寫的也是華文。接觸了十多整二十年，就直直地想要考華文啊。連【不如放棄華文考試】這句子都沒有想過。

不，正確來說，在此之前，我知道有這麼樣的句組：【不如放棄】 和 【華文考試】。

但是這兩個句組，在當時的腦海里就從來沒組在一起過。

華文，不是我不想割捨。

只是，它已成為我人生中的理所當然。

覺得這個很搞笑，所以就讓他來給這篇文章點綴一下吧！

注: 在此非常感谢曾经教过中文的老师们。尤其是小学期间教了我五年华文课的郑淑莲老师, 还有中学教了我三年的刘美燕老师。

Turkey土耳其 之 Istanbul（六）~ Bosphorous海峽，一邊是歐洲，一邊是亞洲。

2015年6月13日

我就在這裏等候，

等候你的到來。

我會穩妥地行駛，

不忙，不急，

不讓你暈眩，

不讓你不安。

衹要你，

爲我測風向，

爲我掌船舵，

和我一起面對海上的風暴，

和我一起欣賞海上的雲霞，

還有那漸漸沉入海里的夕陽。

還有，

還有，

別忘了，

還有明天一早那和我們約定好的旭日晨陽。

畢業前的不安

2015年1月，情感。

再多半年，我就要畢業了。

不長，也不短。

挨過了這六個月，我就可以正式成爲一位藥劑師了。

或多或少，有那言語道不出的興奮與期待，

但是也參雜了對無法控制的未知未來的擔憂。

五年前，懵懵懂懂地選擇了藥劑這一刻。

當時是天真的，純粹向往在醫院工作的生活，但是一早又淘汰了醫生這一個忙得不可開支的事業，完全沒有想過要擁有未卜先知的能力，自然也完全沒有認真去細想五年后藥劑師的角色。

就這樣，慢慢地在大學里成長，

無論是在知識上，情商上，亦或者是與人相處之道上，

我都認真學習著。

本以爲，在大學的最後這一年，自己必定是準備充分了，可以憑著一身熱血與大學時期所學到的知識闖入馬來西亞藥劑界了。

但是不然，

爸爸的病痛，姑姑的乳癌，嬸嬸的血癌，

加上馬來西亞的醫藥不分家制度，不穩定政治情況，以及層出不窮的負面緋聞，還要在加上如今國内的經濟狀況，

等等的不同因素，讓自己一度又一度地懷疑：

自己這個藥劑師，真的有未來嗎？

回去馬來西亞，真的能爲國家出一份力嗎？

擔憂，

彷徨。

不如，

繼續深造吧？

至少更多色彩的學歷可以讓自己的未來生活更加有保障？

至少就允許我準備得在充分一點時才衣錦袱馬奏樂還鄉？

至少就讓我體驗不同文化不同天氣的海外生活更久一些？