药剂师的自我设限：为什么对于病人，我们总是无能为力？

最近我在看一本书，深深感到惊讶，并且认同。我想，书里提到的几个矛盾点，也就是为什么近期来那么多药剂师对于自己的事业感到没有突破，也对于自己的身份没有荣耀感的一个小小原因吧？我不知道，也许，我是如此认为，并且想突破这些矛盾点。

这本书，书名为“别让不懂营养学的医生害了你”。 我想说，不只是医生吧，里面说的矛盾点，都是我们医药人员，都应该自己检视一下的。如果今天，你，或者你认识的朋友是医药人员，不妨，静下心来，看看这篇文章。

终于终于，马来西亚了。

一五一一年，
葡萄牙人来了。
来的不只是贸易谈商的船只，
来的是阿布奎带领的十多余的船舰和一千三百个壮汉。
而带走的是马六甲王朝的辉煌，马六甲人民的血汗，马六甲土地的资源。

一六四一年，
葡萄牙人走了，
荷兰人来了，
留下了红屋，留下了红毛人。
带走的还是一样，人民的血汗，土地的资源。
我该感恩它为我们的大地增添了人文色彩吗？
唉！

一八二六年，
轮到英国来了。
他称自己是大不列颠，是伟大的国家，是高等的民族。
来自伟大的国家的高等的民族，卑微了自己，
来到了咱们这广泛资源，民族和谐的地方，
教导我们如何把这些资源出口至他乡，教导我们如何以种族区分而居。
于是我们学会了辨别肤色，于是我们忘记了大家皮肤底下的血管里的血都是一样，是红色的。
嗤！

那日本的三年O八个月我就不想说了。
真心不知道如何开口？
不是，我应该说我不明白他们的作为。
同理心，我承认我缺乏呗！
你要我怎么去同理这些人类？这些把其他人类不当做人类的人类！
我不是出生在那个年代，
对，我不是目击证人，
但是从前辈们的口中传出，从前辈们的书里读到，
虐待，逼迫，强奸，滥杀，用的方式竟然还可以用“创意”来形容。
叹！

好吧好吧。。。等吧。。。

谁让我们手无缚鸡之力？
谁让我们被强国所统治？
谁让我们敢怒而不敢言？

等吧。。。

无奈地等。。。

等那和平的日子到来，等那和谐的相处回归。

等呀。。。

然后，

终于终于，日本投降了。
终于终于，战争结束了。
终于终于，民族开窍了。
终于终于，英国放手了。
终于终于，
一九五七八月三十一马来西亚了。



后记：
最后想要呼吁大家，请好好珍惜我们的祖国。
国家独立真的不容易。这个国家的独立，是不同种族的前辈，一起合作争取回来的。
独立不容易，别白费了前辈的心血。
江山难攻更难守，现在就要看我们后辈如何有智慧地去发展我们的国家了。
至于以前的恩恩怨怨，就当作教训，当作警惕，当作前车之鉴，
可以不计较的，咱就不计较。可以避免的，咱就尽全力去避免。可以进步的，咱就声嘶力竭地去努力。
最重要的是现在是未来，不是吗？

我的第一间医院

2017年4月，终于完成了长达一年在柔佛最忙医院的实习。对这间医院，感情是复杂的。

讨厌这里的忙碌，但是却满足于接触到很多有趣的病症药谱。

讨厌这里的冷漠，但是却陶醉于交上了不多不少的知心朋友。

讨厌这里的骄傲，但是却欣慰于自己适应了这让人矛盾的大人世界。

你，好不好

2016年10月尾，我初入社會第七個月。雖然還説不上對自己的工作厭倦，但是也算是做著做著，就麻木了。每天，不是對著病人解釋“satu biji dua kali（一天兩次，一次一粒）”，就是戰戰兢兢埋頭工作，深怕一不留神被上司瞧見做錯了什麽，漸漸地開始忘記自己對自己的專業的熱忱。是的，是沒人珍惜嗎？還是急於求功？我當時一直在這問題裏兜旋徘徊。

遇見他，我開始明白，不，不是沒有人珍惜我的努力，而是我自己做的還不夠。雖然不是第一次想要讓自己變得更强，但卻是第一次想要為病人做得更多。

我們相遇，是在新山中央醫院的血癌病房。我當時就是上去（是，是需要走一段上山坡的路）抄病人的記錄，純粹是爲了趕快做完二十個case然後交差走人。抄完后正想離開，他叫著了我。

“你要走了啊？”

“啊不然呢？你幹嘛又走來走去？”

“現在要去照心電圖。沒事我過幾天就出院了。”

“哦哦，恭喜你啦！掰。”

“爲什麽你每天趕著來趕著走？都那麽忙？還是你在裝忙？我過几天就出院了，你不能和我說説話再走？”

“你要我為你做什麽？”

“和我説話，陪伴我，就可以了。”

結果那天，我加班兩個小時多，不是因爲做不完工，而是我們太多廢話要說。

就這樣，之後就算沒有case要抄，衹要我有空，都會上去看看他。當然，和以往比較起來，我也花了多些時間和其他病人交流，去知道他們的想法，去知道他們的恐懼。雖然以自己短淺的知識，以及現今醫藥科技的限制，沒有辦法讓所有癌症病患都藥到病除，但是，至少我們能做的，是給與那份耐心，以及陪伴。其實，這不是我自己領悟出來的，是他讓我明白的。

他雖然説不上是病房裏最有光芒的那位，但是絕對是最樂觀最積極之一。從第一天化療，到最后一天，他沒有一天是害怕的，沒有一天是抱怨的。那個對人生的積極以及無畏，是我深深欽佩的。

我問他“你是化療掉頭髮嗎？”

“不是，但是我做好準備了。”

“有想吐嗎？或者瀉肚子嗎？”

“沒有，病魔摧殘不了我。”

“有覺得老天對你不公嗎？”

“沒有。換著是別人他們也許無法接受，我就當作爲他們受了吧”

“什麽讓你那麽堅强？”

“我不強，我衹是覺得自己不弱。”

是的，不弱。不必硬著頭皮死命演繹著堅强，衹需要不放棄，不弱，就行了。對著人生，不是說堅强就能熬過一切。最重要的，不就是那默默依然向前，依然要生存的決心嗎？

“我明天出院了。”

“不要到處跑，在家休息。”

“可是我想來帶你去吃乾撈面。”

“下個月吧，不如。”

“不見不散。”

一個月后，我在另外一個部門看見了他的藥物檢測報告。他又進院了。這次不是因爲化療而入院。

沒想到，那一次在病房他媽媽煮給我們吃的午餐，是我和他的第一餐，也是最後的一餐。

沒想到，那一次在病房裏他請我們醫務人員吃的蛋撻，是他送我們的第一個，也是最後一個禮物。

沒想到，那一次在微信的聊天記錄，就再也不會有後續了。

現在，也有一年多了吧？

我一直都記得，

我們説好的乾撈面，

我們説好的自拍照，

還有你傳達給我的那份對生活的積極態度。

像小孩一樣，

就因爲一個果撻而甜蜜滿足。

就因爲一位朋友而雀躍喜樂。

x

You are their eyes, do help them.

I suck at singing, I really do. But this STUPID fact has never stopped me from holding (conquering) a microphone in a Karaoke room. Anyway, today I am not sharing something about Karaoke or Melody or Songs. Yea, song, maybe. There was a song, that I really loved to sing, because I thought it was so positive.

The song's name is 你是我的眼 (You are my eyes). Who on this Earth could  express this song really perfectly? I believe it is him, only him, 蕭煌奇. He is a blind guy. And "the Eye", I believe it refers to his parents, who have taken care of him since young, "describe" colours to him, and help him to adapt to this colourful world in a BLACK-COLOURED way. 

Anyway, I am not sharing this guy or this song in this article. Okay, so, I was very much interested in this guy 蕭煌奇, and so I searched for some videos of his on Youtube. I do not know how many videos of his I have watched, including his song MVs or his attendance to some shows. I do not remember all those MVs and shows to be honest, except one (well, at least I did not forget it).

That show, was a show that invited few blind mans for interview. Some questions, which I think they are really useful in the real life, were brought out. For example, Do they need our sympathy? Do they hope to get our attention? What makes blinded people feeling scared the most? How do we help them? and so on. 

Alright, I will try my best to recall the answer. So,

1. Do they need our sympathy or attention.

Ans: That depends on that particular person and their needs.

2. What makes blinded people feeling scared the most?

Ans: Kind-heartened people who wanted to help them yet used the wrong way. For example, how to lead the way. 

So, how to lead the way? 

You are not supposed to hold their hand and expect them to be like you bestie and walk like a boss. You may think, we also hold children like that, now these blinded people are adults, so there shouldn't be any problem. No, A BIG NO. Please bear in mind that they couldn't see. If you hold their hand to lead them to anyway, they would be scared to hell. This is because, when you hold their hand, your arm, and his/her arm can actually swing to a wide extent (vertically 360 degree, or to the front, or to the back, very flexible), and so he/she could not predict what is in the front and which direction you want them to go.

Instead, you should stand in front of him/her, and put his/her hand on your shoulder, and walk slowly. So when you turn left or right, he/she would know, because the movement of shoulders can hardly be flexible. More importantly, when you are walking up or down the staircase, they would know by detecting the height of your shoulder. 

Lastly, why do I suddenly wanna share about this? hahaha, I am just way too happy that I knew what to do when I saw a blind guy few days ago, who walked under rain. And yay, feeling so good to be able to help people, although it was just few steps for him. 

*Not all blinded people are blinded totally. Some of them could still see the shadow, like black and blacker in their sight. So please do not worry about your capability, just go ahead, they would really appreciate you (of course, please do not hold their hands like you hold your girlfriend, use your shoulder).

What do I feel?

So yeah, I do not know if I am ready to answer my questions already, but I will try. Regarding my first question (out of ten questions), I think the answer for this one is gonna be the longest one, most long-winded one as well.

So, the question was: What do I feel when I do something?

To be honest, This question is quite a dumb one. I don't even know what I was asking. Hmmm... I am quite an emotional girl. Although I have tried to control myself, to really think rationally before I do something, most of the time I failed. So, there comes this question: What do I FEEL?

I think this question is quite like a self-reflection. I did not like self-reflection, for my life, in fact, I have never thought of doing one reflection until I was really stuck in negativity few weeks ago and my friend hence, suggested it. It involves too much killing of my brain cells, anyway, still trying.

There's a quote about wisdom, saying:
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third, by experience, which is bitterest. 

Which is true, bitter, very bitter. Yes, what do I feel now? Bitter. I've been letting emotional taking control of me, hence the experience, hence the bitterness. But don't get me wrong, I am not blaming for my life now. It is alright, I just have to learn from it. This is life.

So what makes me feel OKay afterward? I would be lying if I tell you my friends were the main key. Right, they are important in my life and they gave good advice, and always been good companions through my ups and downs, and yeah also scolded me for good. But, I am quite a stubborn one, I do not listen most of the time. I know my friends would always be with me if I need them (in fact I do),  but too much of dependence on them has made me going wrong way, because I have started to feel so insecure, sad and uneasy when they did not reply my message immediately, literally immediately. Two minutes of waiting for their reply was too long, like seriously, literally. Yeah, that's when I know I need to go.

Where to? Out of my comfort zone? No, it only makes things worse. I am not ready for more insecurity when right now I can't handle my already-existing insecurity. Anyway, I just did what I used to enjoy: Travelling. But this time, I did a little change for my travelling. I used to text my friends back home and shared with them for what I have seen or done. This time, no. I make new friends, I approached people. It sounds like I am very desperate for companion, yes, true, but also a no, because I also avoided doing it too much, not for other people's sake, but for my own sake. It is gonna be still the same me stuck in my previous insecurity with friendship or any partnership if I make myself to be with a companion (although different people) all the time. I am clear about this, so yea, I make time for myself.

I chilled, for the very first time after so many years. Like, I did nothing. I used to sit or lie down and did what people call "rest", but every time, my mind was so occupied with all the thoughts, future, money, work, learning progress, friends, partners, family, sports, car, house, time to shower, what to eat for dinner, all those things! This time, no. I felt so relieved. There was nothing in my mind. Just, WOW. I do not know how I did this. But it was really a WOW moment.

I just sat down, put my legs in the swimming pool, stared at the randomly painted wall, and thought nothing. It was like all these troubles that have been torturing and burdening me turned into bubbles and went into nothing. They do not have to be solved anymore, I can just leave them there decorating my life, I do not have to worry for them anymore, be they there or not. Like seriously I do not know how to describe it exactly, I just feel so peaceful.

And I am feeling so refreshed right now and ready for work tomorrow and any coming adventures.


*specially thanks to my friends who have been with me, listen to me and help me with what they could all the time.*

Lost and to be found

I am writing at the airport now, probably due to the long waiting time for my next flight. I don't know, I am feeling so lost these days, the stresses in life, the unexpected things happened and the expected things that doesn't happen in my life have been torturing me since long. Totally down and couldn't find a way out.


Anyway, I guess the coming few days or weeks would serve as a turnover? I am not sure. Please at least let me have myself found through wandering.


So, I have been thinking, what do I really want to find for myself. As in, "myself" is an object that once I reach this new destination, I must have found it? Nope, certainly not. I am not a dreamy type (well, I was), but I know I could at least make some steps to understand myself more, to be myself more, to know what I want more, to know what would make me feeling happy or miserable.


This will take time, of course.
I am not that patient, but I must bear with the waiting.
I am not that brave, but I know I must pick up the courage to make the first step.
I am not that independent, but I know I must try to find the happiness on my own instead of keep leaning on my friends, telling them "Hey, I am down, please be with me."


No no no, this is not what I want.


So, these are the things that I wanna do or find out (at least try to do) in these few days, I am writing here not to just express my confused feeling. In fact, I want this to be a reminder for myself, for short and for long.


These are the questions that I am gonna answer myself, soon.
1. What do I feel when I do something? (something as in whatever activity that I do in these coming days or weeks.)
2. How to make myself calm down?
3. What do I really not like, to an extent if I do it I will hate myself?
4. How can I trust people?
5. What activity or anything makes me feel happy or at least not empty?


These are the to-do.
1. To rest well, not forcing myself to do anything that I do not like to do.
2. To live in the current, not past, not future.
3. To reach out to people, to ask them what makes them so certain of their life goal.
4. To be selfish and not compromising sometimes and not afraid to show it, and not hiding it.
5. To take good care of myself.


Good luck.
*If you have any answer to my lost questions, please tell me? Help me a little bit?*

Be grateful to what we've got - Government hospital

One more week and it will be done! One year of PRP life, it has been sour, mixed with sweet. Nevertheless, it was the year that I learned most ever! Yes, I was forced to learn fast, but, no regret, it worths. It is true that I have sacrificed a lot of playing, relaxing and travelling moments, and was even studying during Christmas time and Chinese New Year (although I have already submitted my logbooks by then), but everything would be worth, I truly believe.

So, let’s go back to one year ago, when I just entered this, the busiest and oldest hospital in Johor, Hospital Sultanah Aminah. Everything was so new to me, including the environment and the people. That was the first time I entered a government hospital, some more it is an old one, which means, kind of creepy especially when you are walking at a dark alleys.

From someone who always complained about the government service, which we all know it is slow and sometimes kind of irresponsible, to now I am really grateful that my government does provide free healthcare service to the citizens, some do have to pay, at least it is not expensive. 

PRP's inner side nagging

Unbelievable! I actually have already survived 10 months of the hectic life without thinking to quit. I wonder what has made me become so determined. Yeah, I guess it would be “my stubbornness”.

For you who do not know me yet, yes I am a pharmacist. I thought I have chosen a wrong degree to study, I thought I would be a zombie who just memorizes each and every drug name, I thought I would give up this career in few months’ time. But, I have made it, and I am still in love of this professionalism.

歡喜得到 —— 這大姐

和朋友在學的地理奔走的其中一個最享受的事，就是看他跌倒。
不去攙扶他起身，卻在旁邊笑得比他跌倒那一瞬間的 “啊~~~” 還大聲！

笑得整個身子在顫抖的同時，還要盡量保持鎮定拿好的單眼。
咔嚓！

所幸拍下的照片不會太模糊。

後記：不是我不要去幫你一把，我也害怕狂笑的自己走過去時會滑倒。

攝于：Iceland, Geyser 冰島大噴泉 @ 24/12/2015 平安夜