What do I feel?

So yeah, I do not know if I am ready to answer my questions already, but I will try. Regarding my first question (out of ten questions), I think the answer for this one is gonna be the longest one, most long-winded one as well.

So, the question was: What do I feel when I do something?

To be honest, This question is quite a dumb one. I don't even know what I was asking. Hmmm... I am quite an emotional girl. Although I have tried to control myself, to really think rationally before I do something, most of the time I failed. So, there comes this question: What do I FEEL?

I think this question is quite like a self-reflection. I did not like self-reflection, for my life, in fact, I have never thought of doing one reflection until I was really stuck in negativity few weeks ago and my friend hence, suggested it. It involves too much killing of my brain cells, anyway, still trying.

There's a quote about wisdom, saying:
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third, by experience, which is bitterest. 

Which is true, bitter, very bitter. Yes, what do I feel now? Bitter. I've been letting emotional taking control of me, hence the experience, hence the bitterness. But don't get me wrong, I am not blaming for my life now. It is alright, I just have to learn from it. This is life.

So what makes me feel OKay afterward? I would be lying if I tell you my friends were the main key. Right, they are important in my life and they gave good advice, and always been good companions through my ups and downs, and yeah also scolded me for good. But, I am quite a stubborn one, I do not listen most of the time. I know my friends would always be with me if I need them (in fact I do),  but too much of dependence on them has made me going wrong way, because I have started to feel so insecure, sad and uneasy when they did not reply my message immediately, literally immediately. Two minutes of waiting for their reply was too long, like seriously, literally. Yeah, that's when I know I need to go.

Where to? Out of my comfort zone? No, it only makes things worse. I am not ready for more insecurity when right now I can't handle my already-existing insecurity. Anyway, I just did what I used to enjoy: Travelling. But this time, I did a little change for my travelling. I used to text my friends back home and shared with them for what I have seen or done. This time, no. I make new friends, I approached people. It sounds like I am very desperate for companion, yes, true, but also a no, because I also avoided doing it too much, not for other people's sake, but for my own sake. It is gonna be still the same me stuck in my previous insecurity with friendship or any partnership if I make myself to be with a companion (although different people) all the time. I am clear about this, so yea, I make time for myself.

I chilled, for the very first time after so many years. Like, I did nothing. I used to sit or lie down and did what people call "rest", but every time, my mind was so occupied with all the thoughts, future, money, work, learning progress, friends, partners, family, sports, car, house, time to shower, what to eat for dinner, all those things! This time, no. I felt so relieved. There was nothing in my mind. Just, WOW. I do not know how I did this. But it was really a WOW moment.

I just sat down, put my legs in the swimming pool, stared at the randomly painted wall, and thought nothing. It was like all these troubles that have been torturing and burdening me turned into bubbles and went into nothing. They do not have to be solved anymore, I can just leave them there decorating my life, I do not have to worry for them anymore, be they there or not. Like seriously I do not know how to describe it exactly, I just feel so peaceful.

And I am feeling so refreshed right now and ready for work tomorrow and any coming adventures.


*specially thanks to my friends who have been with me, listen to me and help me with what they could all the time.*

Lost and to be found

I am writing at the airport now, probably due to the long waiting time for my next flight. I don't know, I am feeling so lost these days, the stresses in life, the unexpected things happened and the expected things that doesn't happen in my life have been torturing me since long. Totally down and couldn't find a way out.


Anyway, I guess the coming few days or weeks would serve as a turnover? I am not sure. Please at least let me have myself found through wandering.


So, I have been thinking, what do I really want to find for myself. As in, "myself" is an object that once I reach this new destination, I must have found it? Nope, certainly not. I am not a dreamy type (well, I was), but I know I could at least make some steps to understand myself more, to be myself more, to know what I want more, to know what would make me feeling happy or miserable.


This will take time, of course.
I am not that patient, but I must bear with the waiting.
I am not that brave, but I know I must pick up the courage to make the first step.
I am not that independent, but I know I must try to find the happiness on my own instead of keep leaning on my friends, telling them "Hey, I am down, please be with me."


No no no, this is not what I want.


So, these are the things that I wanna do or find out (at least try to do) in these few days, I am writing here not to just express my confused feeling. In fact, I want this to be a reminder for myself, for short and for long.


These are the questions that I am gonna answer myself, soon.
1. What do I feel when I do something? (something as in whatever activity that I do in these coming days or weeks.)
2. How to make myself calm down?
3. What do I really not like, to an extent if I do it I will hate myself?
4. How can I trust people?
5. What activity or anything makes me feel happy or at least not empty?


These are the to-do.
1. To rest well, not forcing myself to do anything that I do not like to do.
2. To live in the current, not past, not future.
3. To reach out to people, to ask them what makes them so certain of their life goal.
4. To be selfish and not compromising sometimes and not afraid to show it, and not hiding it.
5. To take good care of myself.


Good luck.
*If you have any answer to my lost questions, please tell me? Help me a little bit?*

Be grateful to what we've got - Government hospital

One more week and it will be done! One year of PRP life, it has been sour, mixed with sweet. Nevertheless, it was the year that I learned most ever! Yes, I was forced to learn fast, but, no regret, it worths. It is true that I have sacrificed a lot of playing, relaxing and travelling moments, and was even studying during Christmas time and Chinese New Year (although I have already submitted my logbooks by then), but everything would be worth, I truly believe.

So, let’s go back to one year ago, when I just entered this, the busiest and oldest hospital in Johor, Hospital Sultanah Aminah. Everything was so new to me, including the environment and the people. That was the first time I entered a government hospital, some more it is an old one, which means, kind of creepy especially when you are walking at a dark alleys.

From someone who always complained about the government service, which we all know it is slow and sometimes kind of irresponsible, to now I am really grateful that my government does provide free healthcare service to the citizens, some do have to pay, at least it is not expensive. 

PRP's inner side nagging

Unbelievable! I actually have already survived 10 months of the hectic life without thinking to quit. I wonder what has made me become so determined. Yeah, I guess it would be “my stubbornness”.

For you who do not know me yet, yes I am a pharmacist. I thought I have chosen a wrong degree to study, I thought I would be a zombie who just memorizes each and every drug name, I thought I would give up this career in few months’ time. But, I have made it, and I am still in love of this professionalism.